I had thought I had taken steps forward towards some kind of inner progress. But oh how easy it is to fall backwards, to hide in the recesses. I’ve always been more comfortable as an invisible being. But now with the passage of time, I truly understand that by being invisible, I have allowed too much time to pass me by.
I look around me and see all those who are passing me by, leaving me behind, chasing dreams, leading their lives, adulting much better than me.
I want so desperately to come out of hiding. I’ve become so uncomfortable in my invisibility. I want to be seen. But I’ve lost my way. I’ve wandered around the labyrinth of self-loathing and self-doubt for so long, fighting my inner voices that tell me I will never be good enough. I will never be worthy. It’s easier to fall back into the labyrinth than it is to escape it.
As the world opens back up, I realize I have to untangle my insides. I have to figure out what I really want and how to move forward. I’m standing on one side of the canyon without the knowledge of how to cross, while everyone is passing me by and leaving me behind.
I’m okay, I really am. I actually had my first appointment with a therapist yesterday. Unfortunately I don’t know that I’m going to get what I need because their mental health model is strange, but it’s at least a starting point. Today is better than yesterday. Yesterday was better than the day before. This is my biggest hurdle. It’s something I’ve struggled with my entire adult life. My inner child was abandoned and neglected and I still feel like the lost crying child in a crowded space. But hopefully I’ll be able to grab her hand and lead her to safety. Someday.
Thanks to those who have checked in on me and allowed me to emote. I love you.
Dawning 