Dating Sux

The Starfish

Hi, I’m in my late 30’s and I just joined the world of online dating for the first time ever. Some things about me: I’m am painfully introverted and meeting people is hard. Thanks, I hate it. I haven’t dated a lot. Dating was a disaster in my early 20’s and then I was in a long term loving relationship for almost a decade before breaking up and then PANDEMIC. So, here I am, opening myself up to not being lonely anymore while the Omicron variant of COVID-19 is growing exponentially. *sigh*

I started with Hinge, and I got so overwhelmed I deleted my profile immediately. I found Hinge incredibly intimidating. Also, I’m not ready to pay for anything yet – and it seemed like the only way I could do ANYTHING was to shell out $30. I understand fully why you pay for these things, I’m not throwing shade at anyone who does, I just don’t want to right now. I’m just dipping my toe into the water, getting a feel for the process. And trying my darnedest to be open to the process even if it terrifies the hell out of me. I then tried out Coffee Meets Bagel and it is a much less overwhelming app to look at. And I had a match almost right away. I will call him “A.”

A was cute. His pictures were cute and his profile had answers that were similar to mine – we shared similar values and were in similar places in our lives. He stood out because his profile pictures were fun and goofy, he really liked to clean, and most importantly, he was a cat dad. I like that I’m talking about him in past tense like he’s dead or something. He is fine. I think. Anyway, we started chatting and we were hitting it off. He was nice, sweet, funny, vaccinated and we found lots of things to chat about. He wanted to have a virtual date but couldn’t get a video chat thing to work on his end, so he bought my mother and I Thai food from a local place (I had to go pick it up-he does not have my address-I’m not an idiot) and then we ended up chatting on the phone for 4.5 hours. His sense of humor was fun, but a little impish. He liked to tease but only had fun if everyone was having fun.

We chatted again the next night, more briefly, but texted a lot. We had decent chemistry in our conversations and I was getting really excited to meet him, and he seemed really excited to meet me too. I think we were both catching feelings, but at the same time, I was preparing for possible disappointment. I was starting to get tired of not knowing when he was joking or being serious and gave up on worrying about it because we were going to meet in person and I would be able to assess it all better during our date.

Date day: I was feeling comfortable and good. We met halfway between us at a coffee shop I hadn’t been to in ages. When he got out of his car, I was no longer excited. Whatever attraction I was feeling via text/phone was now absent. There was nothing. We hugged awkwardly and we chatted and the awkwardness didn’t leave. We chatted over hot chocolate and half-eaten sandwiches and I tried to take in all his features while he rambled awkwardly and I tried to figure out what was wrong.

We ended the date in disappointment and on the drive home I analyzed all of our previous conversations and what the heck just happened.

A’s crime was using old photos on his profile and on his Instagram. I fully understand the insecurity one has in putting your pictures to have them judged in a snap via dating apps. But the person I was expecting was not the person that showed up and I felt a betrayal. It made my gut instinct just immediately say “no.” I could not go forward. Not even a little. Not one bit. I thought back to all the times he joked about catfishing, then in a text conversation the night before our date he told me his photos were two years old (I think they were actually older than that), then he followed it with a joke and I didn’t know what information to take seriously. But when he showed up, I understood. In hindsight, the humor about catfishing seemed like a cover for his insecurities, so that when he actually showed up, I felt catfished* (*I realize that this is actually a bit of an exaggeration and not really catfishing but UGH regardless), and it’s not like I wasn’t technically warned. *sigh*

So, my first date via online dating ended in a big letdown. Why does anybody do this to themselves? This really sucks! I know the answer to this – in order to make meaningful connections and relationships, you have to open yourself up and be vulnerable. It just really sucks when it doesn’t work out. I’ve learned a lot from this experience, and I am really happy to know that my instincts still work. So for now, I will take a breath, and I will try again another day (not today).

Epilogue: I had some weird dreams the night after the date. First starting out with an intergalactic adventure or battle, nothing out of the ordinary, except I picked up a starfish. No matter where I was going, or what adventure I was on, every once in awhile, I’d look down and see that I was holding onto a starfish. There was even a point where one of it’s little suction cup grippers were reaching out and I placed it in my palm so it could grip me fully.

When I woke up I immediately googled dreaming about starfish (if you believe in that kind of thing) and the gist is, seeing a starfish has a lot to do with making sure you are listening to your gut instincts. It is also a symbol meaning regeneration and healing – the starfish itself felt like it was telling me I was going to be okay, like it was my talisman. It felt sorrowful (I still actually want to cry) but it was also a reminder that I did the right thing by listening to my heart.